Daddy, what's death?

I stayed home with our son, Joe, yesterday because he was sick.  We went to his doctor whose office is next to the hospital.  Joe, who turns four this month, asked me to drive by it.  He remembered it from when my wife's grandpa was there during his final days.

"That's where great grandpa was," Joe said.

"That's right," I said.

"He died," Joe said, matter of factly.

It was the first time I had heard Joe use that word.  I was a little stunned.

"That's right," I said.  "Do you know what that means -- to die?"

"Yes," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"I don't know," he replied.

I wasn't sure what to say.  The easy thing would be to tell him great grandpa went to Heaven, but I don't actually believe in Heaven.  But Joe's four -- it's not like I can explain Chi or the Tao to him.

So I said, "It means we can't see him anymore."  That's the best I could do.  Luckily, he didn't ask for more.  We'll have that conversation another day.

But he seemed to understand.  In fact, he probably understands death much better than I do.  Detachment is a fundamental Taoist principle. It's the ability to detach oneself from oneself or one's situation.  Detachment allows us to "see" a situation with disinterested interest -- to see it as matter-of-fact; to see it simply as it is.  Children see much of the world this way because they are experiencing it for the first time.  They have no pre-judgment about death or life or trees or houses or cars.  They simply experience them for what they are.

As we grow older, our minds begin to cloud.  We form judgments about everything.  We have pre-conceived notions about people and places and esoteric things like death.  Because of the particular world-view we have developed, it's difficult for us to experience anything with a "child's mind," or as though we're experiencing it for the first time.  But that's exactly what we should strive to do.

Try to experience your world tomorrow with this fresh perspective.

Comments

[Geoff]

Jeff

That is exceptional guidance. You and I have a child the same age and I experience whay you did every day too. I just didn't dissect our conversation to the degree that you did.

I wish I had - would've saved me thousands in shrink visits.

Great post!!!

Good post today. I agree that we should strive to be less judgemental and see things for what they are just like children. It really puts things in percpective for me EVERYDAY being a teacher. Sorry to hear little Joe is sick.... And it was interesting for me that you are not going to talk to him about HEaven? This whole topic boggles my mind.... Since we were raised in the same house? Yes difference of opinion.... we will talk about this in person... :)
have a good weekend,

love you,

AMIE

[Jodie]

We lost my dad when Dylan & Sydney were 4 & 6 they were happy with the we won't see him anymore and I said his spirit had gone to a better place (heaven) When my grandmother died a few years ago they were 10 & 12 and they had a really in-depth talk with me about death. They really start forming opinions & questioning a lot more around 10. We need to have a beer some night, some of the things they think are amazing.

[Wendy]

Good advice. I'm going to give this some more thought.

My 8 year old really worries about death. My first instinct is to protect him from worry, but I try to have honest conversations. But in daylight hours. At night, it's just too hard to send my baby off to sleep with fears in his head.

[Jack Yan]

Jeff, I hope your son gets better. And you are right: judgement is just noise in our day. The children have the right idea: they seem better connected spiritually than the rest of us because they do not make judgements that cloud their inner dialogue. It’s food for thought—not being a parent at this point, I wonder how I might manage to keep my future children connected. Perhaps just being aware of what adulthood can bring—and the consequences of those things—might make me a good parent. I hope so.

[Jeff Risley]

I appreciate everyone's comments to this post. It seems this issue is one many people think about.

[American Copywriter]

Really young kids seem to have a more pure understanding of death than we do. They don't complicate it much. At least mine haven't when it has come up. Once my almost four-year old asked me if I was going to die. I looked him in the eye and said, "I will, son. Someday. I hope a long time from now." He stared at me for a few seconds. Then just gave me a hug and a kiss and a pat on the back. "I will be sad," he said. Then he picked up his Rescue Hero and went back to the Land of Make Believe. I'm not sure much more needed to be said.

...an interesting read over at. . .